Do not pass go, do not collect $200
2014 was a pretty consistent year. Consistent in the mind-boggling stupidity which contines to amaze me on a daily basis. The idea for this here post dawned upon me while the bee-eff and I were play fighting one night (I’ll go into a little further detail in a bit…) – Before I began brainstorming, I decided that I would need to enlist the help of an expert in the field of the YOLO-FOMO division of life; my best friend’s 19 year-old sister, Sofia.
I even offered her great words of encouragement:
To no avail. Actually, she told me she would get back to me …which she never did. So if you’re reading this, SOFIA know that I am hurt and you are no longer allowed to have the same birthday as me.
September 29 is a privilege.
So here is a list of 9 terms, phrases and concepts I (no thanks to Sofia) I have decided needs to spontaneously combust on December 31st 2014 at 11:59 pm.
Bae is a term the young ones and the old ones who are in denial use in order to address someone they hold dear to them. Because ”Babe” had too many syllables in it.
I feel like no one got the memo; so I will give you a little heads up:
Bae means PIECE OF SHIT in Danish.
I also feel as if, like Joan of Arc and the Joan of Arcs before her, have been placed on this fine earth in order to single-handedly ruin the word bae for everyone.
Going back to the intro- my boyfriend and I were play-fighting one night:
It all started when I called him “A son of a bae”. He called me a piece of bae. I called him the bae of all baes and most importantly; clarifying that his mother was a bae. He told me to stop being such a bae and to eat a big bag of baes.
We went on like this for about an hour- basically the entire metro ride back to Satan’s Smegma Laval.
All jokes aside, I don’t say ”bae” but I will say ”Baesephine” because all any bae wants to feel is exactly like a victim of Jack the Ripper circa 1888.
In conclusion, Bae needs to flush itself down the toilet to leave room for all the other monosyllabic words that make people sound like their jaw is broken.
2) BYE FELICIA!!
First of all: Who is Felicia?
I have known 3 Felicias in my life:
- the cat from ”What a Mess”.
- a good friend from high school: she was one of those broads with a great personality that made your eyes bleed with envy when she’d walk into a room.
- Also a girl I went to high school with who looked like the white, female version of 50 Cent.
Second of all: Where is Felicia going?
I may need a lift.
Will she be passing by a metro? I would feel really bad making her bring me all the way to my desired destination.
I wish I was Felicia, she sounds popular and busy: like a female protagonist from a Kanye West music video boarding an airplane to nowhere with her Louis Vuitton Luggage.
On that note, I bid you farewell, Felicia. Until we meet again even though you’ve never actually met anyone.
3) ON FLEEK
The word fleek sounds like it can be a nautical inspired butt plug used by the Village People back in 197-whatever the point where EVERYONE was in love with the coco.
SO MUCH FUCKING BAKING SODA.
P.S. that song ALSO needs to stay in 2014. That song is 3 1/2 on this list.
4) Frozen/ ”Let it Go”
Everything about this movie was okay until I realized that ”Let it go” was not a song about a woman who overcame her fear of making a poo in a public washroom/farting in public.
Here I was thinking, FINALLY! Someone wrote my own personal national anthem.
Unfortunately I was deceived: It’s actually a song about I’m not sure what because I refuse to watch that movie.
Doe means ”though” because ”though” has too many syllables in it.
6) Using the first letter of each word instead of saying or spelling out the actual word.
RN instead of ”Right Now”
AF instead of ”as fuck”. or maybe it’s ”Abercrombie and Fitch”
Bitch, it might be.
The mystical art of Telekinisis has not been perfected YET.
As far as I know; we are not living in a perpetual game of Scattergories.
Don’t make me have to guess what you mean. You know I hate having to do that.
7) Depending on Instagram and Facebook ”likes” for instant gratification
Unless that little thumbs-up can jerk you off (which would actually be fucking impressive) you shouldn’t let it be a deciding factor of your self-worth.
The internet is make-believe. That’s why there are so many fucking assholes in the world with an over-inflated sense of self worth. If it weren’t for the internet- Justin Beiber would probably be working at a Shoppers Drug Mart somewhere, restocking the maxi pads in aisle 5.
Think about that while I try to figure out why all these 12 year olds are obsessed with this ”LBLB” and ”First” bullshit.
P.S. to all the people freaking out because they lost fake followers on Instagram: Why don’t you go outside and look at the sky a bit? Read a book or volunteer at an animal shelter? Do something a little more wholesome that doesn’t involve taking pictures of yourself with your iPhone.
Which allows me to smoothly segue into…
8) Stop it with the fucking duck face.
You don’t look hot. You look like you just ate a fucking lemon.
I blame the Victoria’s Secret Angels for this phenomena,
FYI. Doing this face doesn’t make you look like a VS angel. Working out 6 hours a day and crash dieting for 2 months makes you look like a VS angel.
Now. You probably have a full-time job or you’re a student and you’re working part-time so basically THE DREAM IS OVER.
Unless you have fantastic genetics/are Sofia Vergara- in which case, congratulations on winning the lottery of life.
We live in a society where facial expression is stuck at extremes: It’s either you give a ”resting bitch face” or you say ”I’m lactating off a persian cat and I’m trying not to get any hair in my mouth” with those pursed lips.
2015 needs to be the year of the SMILE. We all have one, we’ve just forgotten how to use it.
9) I LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN
What’s with all the negativity,? As the great-ish Obama said- YES YOU CAN.
If a train from a fucking children’s book can do it.
So can you.
On that note, Happy ho-lidays to all!! I know you love my posts so much so I will be back in the new year with more! If you miss me (which. I mean- LIKE OBVS) you can read my older posts right here . BESOS!