A few days ago Swedish popstar Zara Larsson decided to call out the guys who say that condoms just can’t fit their elephantine junk. She posted a picture of a condom rolled up her leg like a stocking on her Instagram. The post read: “To all the guys saying ‘my dick is too big for condoms’ TAKE A SEAT.”
Thank you Zara, for having the bravery and fortitude to conduct this incredibly necessary experiment. I didn’t need to see it, because I know how condoms work. Also, because my grade seven gym teacher put a condom on his fist and pulled it down to his shoulder when a pubescent boy asked “But what if, you know, you’re too big?” while chuckling to himself.
Your dick is not that big. Sure, some guys pack enough heat to make a size queen shed a tear of joy, but I’m going to make the bold statement to say that you aren’t THAT big. You aren’t big enough to sneer at protection. You’re not bigger than an arm or a leg. If you were, you’d never need a condom anyway, because your only possible sexual partner would be a horse, since your appendage would murder humans.
We know it’s a man’s biggest insecurity (the second is dainty wrists). Since it’s the most common male insecurity, you’re more likely to lie about it. It’s like women and their chest size. You can wear a water-filled push-up bra and stuff it with tissues, but in the end everyone knows you have a B-cup. Which is fine. Just like not rockin’ an anaconda isn’t a big deal. Having a big dick doesn’t mean you’re good in bed, having a big dick doesn’t mean you’re desirable and faking it makes you look really sad.
Everyone’s heard that guy. The guy who whines that it’s uncomfortable, that it constricts his dick, or that there’s no point in having sex with one because he won’t get off. Trust me, you won’t get any pity from ladies with that last one. Oh no, you might not have an orgasm during sex? How could she EVER relate to that situation?
To sum up, in case you still haven’t gotten the point: your dick is not too big for condoms. Nope. Nioooope. As Ms. Larsson demonstrated, you could be sporting a kickstand and a condom can fit. If not, there are Magnums. If SOMEHOW your chicken feels choked in a bad way you can use the magic of the internet to find the right fit. You can also get them thin, ribbed, and lubricated. You can literally pimp your ride.
If still somehow your gargantuan, god-like peen cannot be protected by a condom, maybe you should consider settling down. Your wacky waving inflatable arm-waving tube man can’t handle safety precautions of casual sex, so stick with one partner that you know is disease-free. If you’re dating a woman, maybe your impossible pants-monster should fulfill its purpose by makin’ babies. Then when she’s popped out one baby, you can get back in there and make another. Keep doing this until she’s as stretched and dead-eyed as the women on TLC specials. Then you can have a house full of screaming children, no money and all the unprotected sex you could dream about.
Otherwise, wrap it up, dumb ass.