Well ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of year again. Good ol’ purely fabricated for sales purposes; every Kiss begins with K or else she leaves you, the Dom Perignon will be repayed later Valentine’s Day is approaching and that means couples everywhere are wondering how to show their affection to their significant other. Me? Well I’m here on season 3 of Gossip Girl wearing fluffy slippers and wishing I had cheesecake. But I digress.
Since I enjoy making a mockery out of everything; I thought instead of offering you suggestions on how to spend a great evening with your lover on a budget or what original gift to get them, I’d make things weird. So off to the internet I went. Why? You ask with peaked interest and genuine enthusiasm. Well to find the craziest and unusual sex toys ever. You know you pervs wanna scroll down; enjoy!
Razor Sensation Tool
“Equipped with a pinwheel and claw, this foldable tool contains two of the most popular instruments for sensation.”
I think what scares me the most is what little information there is on what this thing is actually supposed to do….
Entice Triple Intimate Clamps
“Soft rubber tips protect your sensitive buds and clit as you adjust each clamp to your desired level of sensation. Adjustable screws let you keep the clamps loose for an erotic tug, or tighten them to feel a sexy sting!”
A sexy sting? Yes it’s all fun and games until the safety word is forgotten.
Death By Orgasm 10 Speed Scorpion Bullet Vibrator
“Invite a creepy crawly between the sheets and let him pince, sting and tickle you in the most terrifyingly tantalising way. Powered by a 10-speed bullet, the scorpion’s jelly rubber sleeve is ridged, noduled and tapered for exquisite vibrations”
Sweet baby jesus, WHY would you EVER put this near or around your sensitive areas?! WHY?!
The Basilisk Sheath
“Our Basilisk Were-Able is sure to make you a king among shapeshifters with its girthy thickness! It’s studded with bumps both inside and out, plated on the bottom just like the emperor of scalekin, and features a new iteration of our improved ballstrap that’s designed for both comfort and snugness.”
Comes with free download of R.Kelly’s Snake.
“Honey, what’s that thing stickin’ out of your Bible belt? Lay your hands on this, Jimmy! What makes Tammy scream and Jim run for cover? It’s a Halleluiah booty thumping, howlin’ and a humpin’, pentacostal rumpus, fire lickin’, guaranteed-to-be-the-quickest-way-to-learn-yourself-a new tongue-in’ product”
You’re already sinning by having sex before marriage anyways, now ensure your spot in Hell with this hol(e)y toy!
Houdini Chrome-Plated Chastity Device Lancelot Tube Cock Cage BONDAGE M100
“Love the look of metal? Then this chrome tube is just what you need for restricting your man. When combined with the chastity cage rings, you have a way to keep your man’s cock locked in tight and secure. Just place your man’s flaccid penis into the cage, use the ring, and padlock to lock him in tight. As you tease and please him, the tube will restrict his erection”
The fact that you can buy this on Amazon.com under the section “Safer Sex” has me in TEARS.
Kaylani’s Foot Fetish
“petite and oh so sweet soft, supple and incredibly life-like futurotic foot masturbator with textured shaft delicious long slender toes with ruby red nails”
I feel like someone found boxes upon boxes of this failed project from the 90’s and struck gold, I mean just look at that model’s makeup.
Dildo Gas Mask
“Our unique coating provides stunning looks and comfort. Incredibly Lightweight and soft to the touch.”
Because combining these 2 random ass things is sure to result in an amazing time in bed.
For when you aren’t around and your man needs some “instant” love.
Will you be brave enough to try out one of these come February 14th? With Fifty Shades of Grey creating a new sexual awareness in society, you never know what kinky things your partner may want to try. Be bold and reserve that last My Little Pony butt plug! It just might make her night.
Thanks to this article I now know what dragon erotica is and DEFINITELY need to clear my browser history.