Don’t be a “typical Valentine date”. I’m talking to those guys who think that heart shaped things + flower shaped things = romance. The problem is, if you put as much thought into getting a Valentine as you would into reading a Terms and Conditions agreement, then you might not like your girlfriend that much. Here are things to avoid if you don’t want to be a typical Valentine:
Heart Box of Chocolates
Have you tried a heart box of chocolates? Dollar store Easter eggs are better. Just because it’s wrapped in ribbon doesn’t mean it tastes good. Plus, she knows you got that from Shoppers Drug Mart. You just revealed that you picked up a heart-shaped box while you were out buying toilet paper.
If she likes chocolate, buy her good stuff from a chocolate shop. If she likes bad chocolate, buy her a Snickers and save your money. If she likes things that are shaped like hearts, buy her this. If she likes things that aren’t shaped like hearts, you could try this.
Cute Teddy Bears
Are you dating a ten year old? 2013-era Taylor Swift? Are you currently at a carnival in mid-February?
Teddy bears are useless. Thanks, I can throw another thing off my bed when you sleep over and then question why people refuse to look at me as an adult. It really gets me in the mood.
If you still want to give your Valentine a cuddle buddy that isn’t you, you gotta be smart about it. I cannot stress enough how much Shoppers Drug Mart is a rookie move.
So you decided to get a card. Does it rhyme? Does it look like a pink unicorn barfed all over it? Does it have a picture of a fat baby with bird wings and weaponry on it? Again, if you are dating someone who still has to hand out valentines to everyone in her grade six homeroom, then your cut-out of “I Wuv You” is spot on. If you aren’t a pedo, get a bit more creative. Or at least pervy.
You might have more fun putting all your cash into the sink and setting it on fire. Restaurants know you want a fancy dinner date. They are packed with couples. They will overcharge you for everything, while trying to guilt you for being cheap for not getting a twelve dollar rose to accompany your champagne because it makes the bubbles taste better.
Instead of paying for food, drinks, tip, and a drunk cab back home, you can stay in. Buy a bottle of wine or two beforehand. No one can cut you off at home! You can make dinner or order take-out. Ordering Pad Thai will always be better than a restaurant packed with couples shedding tears as they stare at their bill. Cuddle on the couch and watch a movie or stare unblinkingly into each other’s eyes.
For the love of Benedict Cumberbatch, do not buy your girlfriend diamonds. Buying your girlfriend diamonds for V-day says “I watch commercials”. Announcing that you’re easily susceptible to advertising isn’t that impressive. Diamonds aren’t that special. They’re not rare at all. Sellers up the prices because dummies keep shelling out money to get laid. Diamonds are the basic bitches of gems.
Frankly, I think it’s stupid to buy something for someone that’s too expensive to wear without anxiety. I don’t want to get panic attacks about losing an earring or worry about being mugged and then immediately disappointing my mugger when he finds out my purse is full of bus transfers and hand cream.
Just think about what it means to give someone flowers as a romantic gesture: I think our love is as beautiful as this rose, which will rot and die in a few days, after stabbing at you with its thorns. What a wonderful metaphor.
Flower shops raise the prices around Valentine’s Day because they know you’ll want a bouquet of them. Save your money for something better. Trust me.
Then again, I’m the type of lady who doesn’t like a gift she can’t eat. Take that how you will.
It’s pretty simple: if you aren’t a poet, don’t write a poem. Please. If you write a poem, I will die of second-hand embarrassment even if I’m not dating you.
Same goes for song writing, if you’re not a musician.
This is worse than the previous two. You will not sing Wonderwall while lazily strumming your barely-touched guitar! I am not asking. Don’t do it. NO.
I’m just kidding. What present could be better than an orgasm?