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A Rhetorical Guide on How To Never Have Your Naked Pics Leaked Online

In case you haven’t heard, there are lots of new naked pics of celebrities on the internet. The ladies include Kate Upton, and Jennifer Lawrence. The photos were leaked on the darkest and dankest pit of the internet, also known as the /b/board on 4chan. These photos were believed to be stolen over a long period of time from iCloud accounts. Some celebrities like Mary E. Winstead claim that she took precautions and had deleted the photos long ago.

Knowing those photos were deleted long ago, I can only imagine the creepy effort that went into this. Feeling for everyone who got hacked.

— Mary E. Winstead (@M_E_Winstead) August 31, 2014

Lots of commenters, tweeters, and sites are saying despite her precautions, she could’ve done so much more. Don’t be a dummy like all these celebs. If you follow some of these steps, no naked photo will ever haunt you.

1. Don’t take naked selfies. Boom. Problem solved.

Franco selfie

2. Don’t let any one else take a naked picture of you.
It’s worse than a selfie because then you can’t get it removed from sites because you don’t own the copyright.

3. Don’t have sexual relationships.
No one is sending these pics to their mom. These sexy pics were for boyfriends or husbands or people they were into. So, if you avoid having any intimacy in your life, you won’t feel the need to express your desires with nudity.

4. Never be naked.
As a never-nude you should always have a sweet pair of jean-shorts under your pants. You should probably have something equally sad to cover up your boobs. Then all you have to do is never take those off.

Never Nude

5. Even better: always be naked.
Ha! That’s when you show those hackers that you’ve outsmarted them. If all your pictures are naked pictures, you’re not caught in a scandal.

6. Discover a way to constantly pixelate your genitals.
I’m sure the science is there.

7. If you must have a visual of your nudity sent to a lover, only do so in portrait.
A photo is dirty but a painting is art.

Naked portrait

8. Become physically repulsive.
People wanted to see the famous jiggly bits of these celebs so badly that they put tons of effort into hacking their phones. So, don’t be attractive to creepy people. Stop trying so hard. Get a mullet. Be covered in a faint layer of Cheeto-dust.

9. Stop being a woman.
Most of the photos leaked were of females, so quit being a target if you are one.

Grid

10. Stay off the grid.
These pictures were leaked because these women trusted technology. If you never use a phone or a computer or a toaster, you could be better off than them. The Amish don’t deal with this shit. To be safest, move to a remote part of a forest. Live amongst the bears for protection. From what I know, grizzlies have yet to understand Twitter.

 

All you have to do is make all these changes to your life and no nude photo will ever show up on the internet. It’s simple. Being constantly vigilant and clothed will lead to an easier life.

Images: Main, 1, 2, 3, 4  

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