Cunnilingus. Urban Dictionary describes it as “The art of orally making sweet love to a vagina” and “The great American pastime”.
Are they wrong? This sometimes controversial act of oral sex has only become “mainstream” in the past few decades but behind closed doors, men have been eating out, munching the carpet, muff-diving, going down to pleasure town for quite some time. And with great reason! Who doesn’t want to rock their significant other’s world with their linguistic talents? (If you answered “me” then you sir, are an asshole.)
We had previously reported our findings on what women think of while giving a blowjob and seeing the cup half full, I decided to put my Sherlock Holmes hat on and do a little investigating on the other side of the fence. I went to the streets (my contact list), gathered data (bothered all my dude friends), and documented my findings (procrastinated at work) on what goes through the mind of your average twenty something North American cunning linguist.
“Is it shaved?”
“I hope it’s clean”
“Is she gonna have a Picasso pussy or is it gonna be shaved?”
“does she have piercings?”
This one goes through the mind of every guy right before the moment of truth. What surprise awaits him as he creeps his way lower and lower? Will there be an intricate design? Or perhaps she’s more of the “bald eagle” fan? One great answer received that sums up the situation nicely was “shaven or not, must conquer”. In conclusion girls, if you’re planning on serving a buffet, make sure you set the table.
2. Their Turn
“I wonder if she’s going to blow me”
“Am I getting head after this or what?”
“I should get sex after this…AT LEAST a handjob”
Next on the list is the worried questioning on whether this special party favour of his will be returned or if he’s shit out of luck. Bobby Brown’s Prerogative starts playing in the background as your man is worried he shouldn’t have said “ladies first”. I think it’s safe to say that the answer to this question sometimes lies solely on how well you’re doing your work boys, so tip: keep your head in the game.
3. Your Turn
“Is she enjoying herself?”
“Hope she enjoys it”
Ah, the age old question, the truth of all truths. It’s all fine and dandy to go down without a strategy but if guys, if you’re just going to be fooling around and god forbid poke at it then no, no we are not going to be having a good time. It’s pretty easy to tell when something is working and something isn’t so rest assured, you’ll never be in too much doubt. UNLESS….
4. The Big O
“When is she gonna cum?”
“Was that fake?”
The self-doubt sets in as he is analysing the intensity of your moans and starts becoming skeptical of your level of satisfaction. We usually tend to stay polite and not blatantly show a guy our scoreboard when it’s been a rough night, opting instead to give a well scripted award winning presentation. Apparently guys start cluing in after hearing the script one too many times, but if you think about it: whose fault is that?
“If it tastes bad, I’m gone”
“What flavour of soap is this? /This is not the flavour of soap.”
“This tastes good”
It’s no surprise this would be on the list since the fact is Taste, along with Touch, are the main senses used during oral sex. Hence your gentleman lover’s taste buds are in full action when he’s vacationing in the land down under; it would be a shame for him to not enjoy his stay.
“How long do I need to be down here?”
“Fuck my jaw is getting tired”
“my tongue is starting to hurt but I like this”
“my neck hurts”
“I think I ripped the web of my tongue again”
Sometimes things can start to drag on and get tiring. Let’s face it, our mouths aren’t really used to doing this on the daily. Before you get started guys, make sure you pick a comfortable area to get installed in because you never know how long you’ll be on the job. We’d feel pretty bad if you pulled your neck.
“What should I eat tomorrow?”
Sex can be quite the workout, which can open up an appetite. Guys (ok, girls too) are usually either thinking about sex or food and since they’re already doing the former, it leaves plenty of room to focus on what mom made for supper.
8. The Alphabet Song
“Let me do the a,b,c’s”
This one gave me quite the laugh. A universal ditty, known by all, the alphabet song is apparently a go to jingle when a guy doesn’t want to fill his head with too much noise.
9. His Random Thoughts
“How far can I stick my tongue in?”
“I wish I could smoke while doing this”
“how many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop?”
“I wonder if she gets this a lot”
“should I try the silent duck?”
Let’s face it, guys have A LOT of this going on, 24/7, and it certainly isn’t any different when they’re all up in your business.
10. Your Random Thoughts
“What is she thinking of?”
Last but not least on the list, guys are most like wondering what the hell you’re thinking about too, so speak up ladies and guide them through it so you can both take advantage of the situation.
And while we are on the topic of oral sex, if anyone needed any tips on how to please their man: http://www.ixdaily.com/the-grind/how-give-killer-blowjob